You may not want to hear this

You may not want to hear this

I’m used to words flowing more than tears, so the blurry blank page was foreign to me. Had it been a job application, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I was qualified. Yet I had trouble with my assignment. I stared the screen while my hands hovered over the keyboard. Fair warning, you may want to stop reading now. This isn’t pretty.


Though the writing assignment was easy, I deleted more words than I saved. Confident I could pass this test, yet I struggled with choosing between what I ought to say and what’s really happening. In the end, I’d rather risk failing and tell the truth.

Your true testimony is not your salvation experience, but rather your current walk with Christ. Tasked to write out my personal testimony, I had trouble finding words, though I could have written a book. Oh wait I did! But that’s for another day.

My testimony

Anyway, they didn’t want a book, only a couple of paragraphs. They needed to know if I really knew the Lord. Oh I know Him all right, and He knows me. So here’s what I wrote,

I made a genuine profession of faith at a young age but only tried to follow the rules and didn’t understand relationship until I became involved in Bible study about eighteen years ago. Because of my discovery of the transforming power of God’s word I have a passion for leading Bible studies and currently lead one in my home. Over the years God gave me a heart for missions and discipleship leading me to teach a unique Sunday school class of adult women for nine years.

Nevertheless, I am prone to get busy and wrapped up in activities. That is where I was nearly two years ago when I developed a rare neuromuscular disease which totally disabled me. No longer able to work in a profession I loved or participate in my active hobbies, my lifestyle radically changed. I lost my career, my health and everything I depended on. It was an especially sweet time with the Lord. I felt His presence like never before during my year of Sabbath rest. I started writing and speaking professionally about God’s blessings found through adversity.

My health has steadily improved and I am functional now. I would describe my current walk as wrestling with God. Like Jacob, I am limping. It’s an intense and difficult season for me as virtually every aspect and every relationship has changed. My relationship with God has changed too. It’s real, it’s honest, it’s raw. I sense He wants me to surrender everything so He can be my everything. I am trying to let go, but I’ll be honest, some things are easier to let go of than others.

I could have painted you a much prettier picture but if anything, I am transparent. So here is my messy testimony. I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection. I’d really rather skip the fellowship of suffering, but I am learning it’s the only way to know His heart and become more like Him.

So there. There’s my testimony. I could’ve written it neater, I know what to say and how to say it. I could tell you about the rich presence of God in my life and how I speak His praises. Believe me, I do speak praise but sometimes through gritted teeth. Other times I don’t speak to Him at all. I’m not mad at Him; I just feel disconnected sometimes and the effort to find Him wears me out thinking about it.

Genesis 32:24, “Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him until daybreak.” HCSB


It is odd really, I don’t feel far from God. This is up close and personal. Wrestling requires contact; sweaty, grappling contact.

God keeps me from getting my way, but never from seeing His hand #wrestlingwithGod #rtp Click To Tweet


Well, I am walking with God. He’s taking me places I don’t want to go, showing me things I don’t want to see, keeping me from getting my way, but never from seeing His hand. I’m not sitting on the mountaintop in the sweetness of his presence, instead I’m on a dark muddy road digging in my fingernails so I don’t lose my footing.

Psalm 94:18, “When I said, ‘My foot is slipping,’ your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.” NIV

I want to be real, not with you, with me. If I didn’t scare you off, enter your email address and I’ll send my weekly posts to your inbox. Consider yourself warned.

10 thoughts on “You may not want to hear this

  1. Struggling, ugly truth is so much better to hear than rose covered fairy tale lies. Your honesty is refreshing dear friend.

  2. Thank you for your transparency, Vicky. It invites us to be honest about our own struggles. You are not alone in wrestling and digging in the mud. Many of us are in a similar season. I think it’s called going on with God. You’re a great example and encouragement.

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