Wrecked; hot tears flowed from my eyes and lava oozed up from the cracks in my soul. I should have let the call go to voicemail. Gulping for a breath between sobs, I answered the phone anyway. Probably not a good idea; people are not used to seeing me like this. Normally, I am the cheerleader giving a pep talk. It’s not like my mind to wander to such dark places. But after all I have been through, I simply cannot imagine going backward.
When my life turned upside down from myasthenia gravis, I trusted The Lord. He blessed me with a year of Sabbath rest and I leaned into it with supernatural peace. When I got markedly stronger after exactly one year, I proclaimed His faithfulness through speaking and writing.
As faithful as God has been, why in the world would I doubt?
Matthew 14:31, “Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, ‘O you of little faith, why did you doubt?'” ESV
MY ITTY BITTY FAITH
For a moment, I lost my focus. Honestly, it wasn’t pretty. My friends and family quickly reminded me of important truths to center me.
- God is not surprised, He knew this would happen.
- He will use it for good.
- He is always faithful.
- He is the Great Physician.
They’re right you know. And many of their words sounded vaguely familiar…
Matthew 17:20, “He replied, ‘Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.'” NIV
THEN WHY WAS I A HEAP OF TEARS?
One year ago, I struggled to walk, get dressed or eat. Too weak to drive my car and requiring a wheelchair in public places, I was handicapped. I would tell you my faith is not in modern medicine brought to me courtesy of my benevolent insurance company, but the truth is when they sat down and decided the pricey infusions I get every three weeks weren’t worth the expense, I crumbled.
Psalm 141:8, “But my eyes look to You, Lord God. I seek refuge in You; do not let me die.” HCSB
PULLING THE PLUG
I’m way too expensive. Apparently my life is not worth the cost. I admit, my melt down exposed a chink in my armor. I panicked. God allowed my ugly doubts to rise to the surface in order to reveal my weakness.
Where was my trust?
Hosea 10:13, “You thought you could do it all on your own, flush with weapons and manpower.” MSG
It was a wise financial decision for the company, after all, they are a business. They have to count costs and let’s face it, I am a liability not an asset. The word catastrophic probably applies. Fortunately I was surrounded by wise people and they were right. It all got worked out pretty quickly. A knight in shining armor rescued me so I can continue the necessary medical treatments.When you cannot think straight, make sure you are surrounded by people who speak truth into… Click To Tweet
Luke 14:28, “Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it?” NIV
I AM WORTH IT
My faith ought to be in the only One who is ever-faithful. I must confess my moment of despair stemmed from doubt, lack of faith and focus. Now that God allowed it to erupt to the surface, I resolve to fix my eyes on the author and perfecter of my imperfect faith.Jesus is the perfecter of my imperfect faith #fixmyeyes #trust #rtp Click To Tweet
Ultimately, Jesus thinks I am worth it and He was willing to die to prove it.
You may feel unworthy.
Others may even treat you as unworthy.
But you are worth everything to God.
And He knows the end of your story.
John 3:16, “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” KJV
Do you have people in your life to help you stay focused?
Today is a good day to tell them thanks.