I feel like people are watching me

Somebody's watching

Don’t ever put me on a pedestal

I don’t want to do this anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy it immensely, but you see, um, how do I say this without letting you down? “I am not qualified.” Frankly I am not good enough.

There are people out there who read what I write; people I don’t even know, people who are desperate for encouragement, hope and truth. It’s scary. When I attempt to speak into the lives of others, I often don’t measure up to my own teaching. I want to quit because it feels like a set up for failure. I don’t want to be a poser so I will be honest with you – I color outside the lines sometimes. If you have spent much time with me, you know it’s true. Everyone doesn’t know. Some people read my blog, hear me teach or speak and have an unrealistic perception of my life. I am not afraid of heights, but I am terrified of pedestals. Don’t ever put me there.

I am not afraid of heights, but I am terrified of pedestals. Don't ever put me… Click To Tweet
I’VE BEEN CAUGHT

Don’t make this into a bigger deal than it was, but recently I was recognized. Sitting in a theater, a group of women passed my table and recognized me from a recent speaking event. I fully expect to be in the spotlight when I speak, but not when I am at dinner. It’s a lot of pressure. Suddenly, I was acutely aware of my unedited words and my imperfect behavior. My mother was with me so I was behaving relatively well, but I don’t always. Am I a pretender?

2 Corinthians 5:20, “Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, certain that God is appealing through us. We plead on Christ’s behalf, ‘Be reconciled to God.'” HCSB

NO, I AM AN AMBASSADOR

Don’t think I am a hypocrite, but the truth is I don’t always practice what I preach. But here’s the deal, I believe it. Mostly, I write to myself, encouraging myself to seek the Lord and follow Him. It would be safer to not make it public, but I’m thrilled to have your company along the way. Writing is a gamble. I figure some of you probably struggle with the same issues I do, so I willingly expose my own insecurities. It makes me feel uncomfortably vulnerable. People read it, people share it and more people read it. Then there I am, representing Jesus Christ for all the world to see.

Ephesians 5:15, “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise.” ESV

UNWORTHY

Some days I want to quit. If I stop writing, I won’t embarrass myself. I can’t be criticized for what I don’t say. It is less risky to stay silent. That voice in my head saying, “Who do you think you are?” would be squashed and I wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore.

Ephesians 5:13, “Rip the cover off those frauds and see how attractive they look in the light of Christ.” MSG

RISKY BUSINESS

The only way I can continue is to admit failure, accept my imperfections and give credit to God for anything good you see in me. Here’s the truth: life is hard, consistency even harder. If I risk it all, is it worth it?

The voice of condemnation can drown out the gentle call of the Holy Spirit #perservere Click To Tweet

Hebrews 10:36, “For you need endurance, so that after you have done God’s will, you may receive what was promised.” HCSB

WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH

Some of you may think I am really spiritual. While I would like for you to believe that, it would be dangerous. Besides, I will disappoint you. As a young adult, I sat in church every Sunday thinking everyone had it all together except me. It was a defeating lie. Honestly, it kept me from walking in victory and understanding grace. I strive for perfection and consistently fall short. I suppose that is the exact reason I need Jesus, huh? I’ll make a deal with you. I won’t quit if you won’t.

Hebrews 12:1, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance, the race marked out for us.” NIV

YOU PROBABLY KNOW SOME STORIES ABOUT ME

Remember, I will moderate the comments, so if you dredge up some embarrassing moment from my past I may delete it, but probably not. I am mostly an open book. Otherwise, I’d be a hypocrite.

Photo cred: E. Clair

It's more fun when you join the conversation

  1. Was worried there for a minute! Please keep sharing…! In this old world, it helps to be encouraged… One of my favorite sayings is “We aren’t put on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through”…
    Your words are wonderful… So glad you are not a quitter!!!?

  2. What you write means more than you will ever know. Your openness and honesty is refreshing and encouraging. Thank you Vickie.

  3. Always encouraging! Because you are perfect? No that would discourage the rest of us. Because you dare to expose weaknesses that encourage us who have them also. Do we rejoice in your weaknesses? No but we see as an example how important it is to let God search our hearts, gain a real estimate of ourselves and then glory in all God is doing in, through and for us! Thank you for doing that and being willing to live in your “glass house.”

  4. Please don’t stop sharing your heart, soul and journey with us. We become better Jesus lovers when we do it together and hold each other up.

  5. Ditto to all you have shared. I am always conscious of others watching my reactions to different situations I face in my life and is God being honored.

  6. You show us all things are possible if we believe and follow Christ. That we are not alone and are not meant to be. Thank you!

  7. If we are honest, we all have failures and we have a hard time admitting that were not perfect. The outside looks perfect but the inside is a wreck It’s easier to give up or stop doing something and it seems to be a struggle. But that brings up the word persevere .

    James 1:12. Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. ….
    Thanks for sharing your thoughts and your experiences and I love reading the other comments ….

  8. Sometimes we all need to hear it… you are special. Not because you write, or speak to other women, or because you encourage others, or because you’re honest, or because you speak His Word. You are special because God made you.
    Keep being real and honest!

  9. You are Christ’s fingers used to speak to us here on earth, His lips, working through the Holy Spirit. We are blest because you are following HIs calling in your life, it is He that is using you. If just one of is encouraged, you have touched one of Jesus’ precious children, and you DO touch so many more. Take courage, you are running the race Christ set before you, and I humblyThank you,!