I was a little confused

I was a little confused

I froze. Pulled pork laden with Carolina sauce dangled from the fork nearly touching my lower  lip. Five pairs of eyes looked expectantly at me from across the table. My own eyes widened, a decidedly difficult task for someone with droopy eyelids from myasthenia gravis.


I thought I got away with it. Not one living soul knew my secret. I looked put together and complete with my new over-sized bag for my papers and my computer, I played the part of a writer. For crying out loud, I even wore eyeliner. I was trapped, so I told the truth. Then I lost it. Seriously, I laughed so hard, tears rolled out of the corners of my eyes. Once I regained my composure, those same ten eyes were still looking at me, a little bewildered by my outburst.

Psalm 44:21, “God would surely have known it, for he knows the secrets of every heart.” NLT


My parents dropped me off at the Embassy suites after I assured them I could find a ride to our hotel from someone at the She Speaks conference. I handed a slip of paper to my mom with the address and name of our hotel. It was late when the last meeting ended and I gratefully accepted a ride from my prayer partner and new friend, Misti. The Holiday Inn Express was located near the conference center surrounded  by several other chain hotels. I programmed the address into my phone app and she followed the voice commands. However, when we arrived, we were not at the Holiday Inn Express. The hotel was in sight and I was soon safely delivered. I strolled to the desk and informed the clerk I needed a key to Room 401.

She replied, “Name please?”

“Henderson,” I informed her.

Without missing a beat she said, “You are staying at the Hilton.”

Curious, I responded, “I am? How do you know that?”

“Your parents were in here earlier.”

I suppose that would explain the odd text message I received from my mother…


You know I suffer from an incurable neuromuscular disease that causes weakness. I have been able to walk only very short distances for the last year. Sometimes I simply run out of neurotransmitter and cannot go any farther. But since I have improved so much and still suffer from a heavy dose of equally incurable pride,

I walked…

to the Hilton,

but I didn’t tell anybody.


It began harmlessly. We joined a group of women at a barbecue restaurant and chatted through dinner. The trouble started when we were about to leave. All three ladies opposite my seat in the booth announced they were staying at the Holiday Inn Express. So naturally, my new friend and driver suggested I ride with them – to the Holiday Inn Express. The hotel where the clerk knew I was actually staying at the Hilton. Knowing I was busted, I admitted I was not staying there. Misti’s head jerked around and said, ”What? I dropped you off there last night!”

Psalm 32:5, “Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not over up my iniquity.” NIV

Visit Misti’s blog here


Yes, she did. I never planned for anyone to find out. They seemed to think I was smart. I’m a doctor and people have the impression brains are a pre-requisite (actually I just studied really, really hard). On top of that, I know a few scriptures. Not that I am a Bible scholar or super-intelligent, but I suppose it would be natural to assume I at least knew where I was staying. So I hid my blunder.

John 8:32, “and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.” NASB



Have you ever pretended to have it all together when you didn’t even know where you were? Anyone? Please don’t judge me! It was a humorous moment, but I remember a not-so-humorous time when I tried to pretend I had it all together when I didn’t. Want to know why? Because I thought everyone else had it all together. I thought all those people who shared the pew with me read their Bibles, prayed and avoided all the non-Christian stuff I constantly struggled with. I was wrong. Eventually, I realized no one else had it together. Most people struggled just like I did. So, I started teaching a women’s Sunday school class for the sole purpose of relating to others who thought everyone else had arrived.

Philippians 3:12, “Not that I have already reached the goal or am already fully mature, but I make every effort to take hold of it because I also have been taken hold of by Jesus Christ.” HCSB


I still don’t have it together in my Christian walk, but I don’t try and pretend I do. A remnant of pride would like for others to think I at least know where I am though.

Psalm 17:3, “Go ahead, examine me from inside out, surprise me in the middle of the night-You’ll find I’m just what I say I am. My words don’t run loose.” MSG

Who do I say I am? An imperfect Christian following a perfect Christ #bereal #SheSpeaks2015 Click To Tweet

10 thoughts on “I was a little confused

  1. Often I remain quiet and let people believe that I have it together as well. On Sundays I am involved with the worship team so I talk to few so I have direct contact usually only the few on that team. Before and after services I can mess with my guitar without conversation with any one. My hands don’t need for me to have it altogether to play my guitar during worship. It is very easy to hide in plain sight which I regularly do. That’s also why others say I look good when inside I may be hurting an confused. Hiding in plain sight is second nature to me after a lifetime of medical issues and confusion about my direction in life. At those times I really try to communicate with the Lord via my guitar playing. I can express my emotions to Him and talk to Him while I play guitar. Yeah, that is hiding in plain sight. ……….☮ph

  2. Yes! So many times I have been like that – pretending to know what I am doing, pretending to have it all together, when on the inside I am a complete mess. This moment you shared was humorous though 🙂

  3. Beautiful! She Speaks was such an incredible time! But I, just like you, found myself pretending to have it all together. I even had to go out and buy a business casual wardrobe just for the weekend! 🙂

It's more fun when you join the conversation